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Five Things Guys Can Be Pretty Gay About
While us menfolks give womenfolks a lot of grief over the ridiculous habits and Twilight love they participate in and harbor, the truth of the matter is, men aren’t really any different. Sure our interests are way cooler and don’t involve yarn, really bad books by people with names like Noire with characters named Sugary Peach Extractionique, and “housewives”, but they exist nonetheless.
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And further, there actually are a lot of similarities in the things we are passionate about. Basically, what I’m saying is that men really can be quite gay at times. I blame American Apparel for making skinny jeans mainstream and potentially stifling the future Black population since so many men’s nuts are more constricted than Prince’s face during his tribute on the BET Awards. Really, I think skinny jeans are Black population control.
(Sidenote: I watched as much as I could. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORING! And why won’t Debra Lee get some public speaking lessons. Chris Brown? Stop it. John Legend? Fix your hairline before you go accepting awards. You can’t be a humanitarian with a f*cked up hairline. Call me evil, I’m unbelievable.)
Here are a few things guys can be really gay about:
1) Shoes
Yeah, we think women have too many shoes. But that’s only because women have 200 pairs of shoes that all look roughly the same. At least our 150 come in beaucoup colorways and series. Have you seen some of these dudes closets? They’ve got more Jordans than Mike’s kids. Guys obsess over shoes as much if not more than women do. And do you know why? It’s because we need to impress other men with our shoe game. Yeah, you see a pair of bronze colored space shoes – and you’re right, that’s exactly what they are. But do you know what Tyriq Jenkins sees? A limited edition pair of copper foamposites that are worth shooting somebody for. Why do you think guys wait in LINE for re-releases of Jordans. Because men are gay about shoes, that’s why. And I haven’t even mentioned dress shoes.
2) Hair
I haven’t seen Chris Rock’s Good Hair documentary. Mostly because I have sisters and I know Black women. I’ve seent women drop long dough for some India-manufactured authentic African hair. With my own two eyes even. Women obsess over hair. But have you seen a dude trying to get waves put all of his focus into brushing his hair every 2.7 seconds? Or witnessed his meticulous use of various hair products intended to ensure the most Nick Cannon of waves? Or even watched as he ever so carefully placed his doorag on his head at night so that the juices and berries could marinate on his hair…so that he could get his waves? I don’t even know how women date men “working on their waves”. He has no time for you. He’ll brush his hair while you’re giving him head – which has to be like, SO rude.
3) Labels
Yes, men are total label whores too. While we might not know all the latest fashion and thought Alexander McQueen was a new bed size, you just can’t go outside rocking no non-Timberland workboots. We care about what we have on. We like Polo and Kenneth Cole. In fact, we used to clown people for rocking Chaps at my high school. We’d call Chaps CHeap A** Polo Sh*t. You see, we care. But generally only on stuff where an identifier is present. If there is none (Target, you my ninja), nobody is gonna question. But please be aware, there is a BIG difference between Polo Ralph Lauren and US Polo Association. Two horses is gay my ninja. But, no it doesn’t matter if it came from Ross, Marshalls, TJ Maxx or Bloomington Coat Factory – as long as you got it.
Get it?
4) Jewelry
We care about carats too. I can’t just be out here rocking no badly cut, low clarity diamonds. Well, actually, I don’t wear diamonds. I rock Uranium. But guys care how the jewelry looks. How else are we gonna let the women AND men know that we stay shining? Bling bling, b*tch. Bling bling.
5) Emotions
We get emotional too, Whitney. Only difference is that when men get emotional, somebody usually dies. Other than that, it’s no biggie. Hip-Hop.
Anyway, mi compadres, what are some other things guys can be pretty gay about?
Let’s share and be emotional. Carl Thomas.
Caring.